That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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