having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
