Cold hands, warm shart.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
