I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
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