Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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