Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
