i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Randomize