Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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