Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
