"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
