Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
