Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
