Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
