If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
