my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
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