Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
