I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
