i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
