sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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