I'm going to rape someone's good day.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I just forgot I was standing up.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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