I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
