also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
