she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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