Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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