Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
