There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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