I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
