I wish my penis had an off switch
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
