never play flip cup with pint glasses
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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