i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
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