i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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