oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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