I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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