I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
