The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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