Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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