I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize