my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
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