I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I had to cum in my sink.
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