No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
