my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Randomize
