He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
