wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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