this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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