saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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