there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize