you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
