hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
