I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
How does it feel to date your dad?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
