my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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