On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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