Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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