So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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