Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
