Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize