Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
