tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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