you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
