Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
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