evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize