U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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