nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
