We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
