just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
